A BPD Apology Letter

Hello Friends,

A couple months ago I wrote a "BPD Apology Letter". Although things have changed a little bit, I kept the letter in its original format. I chose to do so because these were my thoughts at the time; I am only now feeling brave enough to express them.

**Happy Reading**

"Hello Dear World,

I figured you would want an apology letter. This may seem preemptive; however, I’m doing this as a way to keep communication open.

“Why the heck are you so moody?” “Why don’t you believe me?” “Do you think I’m not trustworthy?” “Stop making things up.” “I can’t believe how you’re acting.” “You are being unfair to me.”

It was phrases like this that clued me into your need for an apology.

So, BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. When my therapist suggested this diagnosis, I was defensive. I mean, he was reading the symptoms off of Google, but even with the DSM-5 manual in hand, I was not getting what he was saying. There isn’t a specific medication to treat it. It’s all psychotherapy.

After I had a minute to chew on everything, I realized a lot of the symptoms matched my condition. I didn’t want to be lumped into a label because I’m definitely not typical. I related to BPD symptoms but was not a “classic case”.

“So what do I do?” I asked.

My therapist said, “Keep coming to therapy, and find someone to ride the waves with you.”

“Ride the waves.” That suggested a hurricane of emotions to be my daily mood log. But, this is the only solace I have: have someone with you during the ride.

I’m saying I need that. I need people to be with me and care for me when I am crashing to and fro between life events.

So, I’m sorry for not being emotionally consistent. I apologize for not having logical explanations for the way that I am feeling. I’m sorry that I still feel unsure of where my relationship is with you because I constantly question if that relationship is real or not despite you telling me endless times you care. I’m so sorry that anger is often close behind. That I will explode and be furious. I apologize for not believing in your help because I fear that you will leave, leave me completely abandoned.

I’m sorry that this doesn’t make sense. I know it doesn’t. That’s the only thing I seem to know with BPD. It’s fresh and new and scary.

So, I’ll try my best to keep figuring this out.

I just ask that you ride waves with me.

Sincerely,

Beccs"