As the cools kids down in Texas say, "Howdy fellas!"
Throughout this whole COVID-19 shindig, I've felt pretty MIA. And that is in part to feeling so STUCK. Like this must be draft 17.
I have had zero motivation to post about how my life is going. Why? Because there isn't much to say and I've been overly concerned with how my posts would appear to the general populace.
So, here's a little update on what's been going on and a list of things that have eased self-isolation-induced feels.
Updates:
- my MarioKart playing has increased by 500% since the end of March
- I applied for more jobs than I can keep track of and received more denials than I want to keep track of (thanks, COVID). Well, what's really happening is a majority of the hospitals I've applied to as a registered nurse have been on hiring freezes until the economy pops back up.
- still having counseling sessions with Jay. It is super slow-going and a little frustrating, but if there is one thing that is proven in therapy is that therapy takes time. So I'm still getting the help I need during this time (extra gratitude for that little blessing).
*here's my preface before we go any further*
Coping mechanisms:
*p.s. that's funny because one of the hallmark signs of BPD is the inability to cope with strong emotions (really any emotions for that matter)*
- gratitude lists: I find the best way to make this stick is...*wait for it*... consistency. I know. I usually write three things that I am grateful for (specific) and why they are important to me. Instead of writing, "I'm grateful for my family", I find it is more helpful to be detailed as to why that is: "I'm grateful my sister drove to Chick-fil-a to get me a sandwich today. That was important to me because I really didn't want to go but I really wanted a chicken sandwich. She saw a need and fulfilled it happily."
The research on gratitude journaling is phenomenal. "The Science of Gratitude" by professors at UC Berkley compiles a series of reasons to consider making gratitude a more functional part of your life, all backed up by research. Basically, it has the power of antidepressants with longer-lasting effects. Yeah, I know, right!? *note to self: do a whole other thing on the Science of Gratitude when I have more motivation. Sorry to disappoint but this is as real as it gets. If you are feeling amazing and need to know more this instant, the links in the bottom :)
- going on walks: (shout out to all my Dear Evan Hansen fans out there - "take deep breaths and go on walks" - wink, wink) Thank goodness that I have a smartwatch to track steps so I can set some sort of goal. I was reading a book and there was this revelatory line in it: you don't need motivation to do things. You just do them. You can have zero motivation to go on a walk but you put on your shoes, go out the door, and just do it. I still have trouble applying this in my life as I feel like I am in a deficit when I use "motivation stores" that are not there but I am working on it. I'm trying to find joy in the accomplishment rather than fret about how bad I feel during the activity. Give it a try, let me know how it goes.
But really, walks give me new life. There is such beauty in the world - go find it!
- playing games with family members: I am super lucky to be with my family during this time. Sometimes, games feel like they are superficial and that there is more to be focusing on, but my advice is to let the games envelop you. Play it with all your heart and soul and just love it!
This stuff may seem so little in a time where there is so much going on. I don't pretend to know all of the struggles that are accompanying you during quarantine but you can do it. I BELIEVE!
Well, thanks so much for listening to my ramblings. To all, a good night.
Science of Gratitude: https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Gratitude-FINAL.pdf?_ga=2.219722457.1337557611.1587757436-1738712098.1587757436
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