As you may know, tomorrow is the start of Mental Health Awareness month. I’ve been amazed by all the efforts exerted to help bring mental health to light. I wanted to do my part.
But I wasn’t sure what to do. One of the easiest things to turn to are the DSM 5 (a manual about mental health disorders) to find definitions. But mental health is the LAST thing that is “by the book”. It manifests in so many different ways in different people. So I thought I would describe what BPD is like for me.
I am not a standard BPD case. (Newsflash: no one is!) I actually have “Borderline Personality Organization”, an umbrella disorder from “Borderline Personality Disorder”. This means I have never met anyone with the same diagnosis as me. And I think part of that is due to being silent about struggles with mental health.
Not all people who suffer from mental illness see a decline in their functionality. My grades slipped by only 0.01 GPA points (resulting in the loss of a scholarship, but anyways, different story) and I graduated from BYU Cum Laude, a school noted for their accomplishments in academics. Although my grades didn’t crash and burn, I noticed that doing day-to-day tasks became harder and harder. Simple assignments required more of my time than they did before. Attending nursing clinicals went from scary to downright terrifying - what if I messed up? What if I couldn’t do things right? What if I’m too depressed to actually care about what my patient is going through? I remember I would cry on my way to clinicals, even during sixth semester, because I was so nervous and worried about how I would perform and if I could keep it up. No, not everyone experiences a decline in their functionality but I could definitely see my ability to do things that were once easy diminish.
I am not a relationship ruiner. I remember watching a clip in college about how people with BPD couldn’t have stable relationships. There is such an intense fear of abandonment that even with a successful relationship, sabotage was not far behind. I remember a person writing letters to their friends with their own blood because they were scared that their friend was going to leave them. A little sketchy. But it was films like these that made me think, “Good thing I don’t have a disorder like that.” Joke’s on me. However, I don’t purposely sabotage relationships. I do experience “Projective Identification”. The emotions and thoughts I have about myself that I don’t like are often transferred to a different person. I then convince myself that that is how other people think and feel about me. Sometimes, it comes true. Then it is positive that people do feel a certain way about me. It’s a mind game that one-sidedly tortures those who suffer from BPD.
I do have strong impulses to self-harm. I am so bothered by the idea or feeling of discomfort that I don’t know what to do with it. Even though I don’t engage in these behaviors (and please, don’t judge people who do because sometimes you have no inkling or clue how mental illness affects people), I still struggle with these impulses. It’s part of the reason that I’ve been to two inpatient facilities for suicide prevention.
I’ve done most everything I can think of to “cure” my BPO. And I’ve tried several therapies suggested to me by other people. It hasn’t worked. So it drives me nuts when people say, “People with mental illness just need to practice mindfulness.” Not true. Because now I feel mindfulness is part of my disease. Things that brought joy in the past don’t do squat anymore - fancifully called “anhedonia”. I was almost a piano performance major; playing now brings a sense of sadness. I love basketball and being aggressive on the court; now, I dread going to pickup games.
Ultimately, be patient and kind to everyone. I’ve had several colleagues and professors tell me they were surprised anything was wrong. You just never know.
To all those afflicted with mental health conditions, keep going. Better things are on the horizon and the stigma is going to be broken, one way or another.
Thanks for your help,
Beccs
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