It’s true.
We are <emotional> second cousins.
If you’ve watched Demi’s bomb documentary of 2017, you know she has dealt with Borderline Personality Disorder (otherwise known as BPD). I initially had a couple of therapists who thought I had this too.
But have you seen me?
I’m not usually impulsive, I’m logical and don’t act with emotion.
But Jay (my current counselor, name changed) didn’t think those therapists were far off after all.
“I think they were close,” he reflected, “You have BPD tendencies. You organize your life like that. You may have Borderline Personality Organization”.
And I think Jay’s spot on.
So, what the heck does that mean?
I’m still learning about it myself, but I’m pretty sure that three things are really, really hard with BPD-O:
1) Emotions
2) Emotions
3) Emotions
Kidding, kidding (sort of)
1) Relationships
2) Emotions
3) Cognitive Distortions
With this personality disorder, relationships are arduous. “C’mon Becca, that’s what it takes to have a good relationship.” Well, this is a little different, friend. This past week, I have seen it flare up hotter than ever before. The best way I can explain it is that I have a burning desire to be with people; however, with the same intensity, I want to be away from people, alone.
With BPD, it also difficult to regulate emotions. When you feel emotions, it’s like <fwoop>! Straight to the top. Something good happens and I am elated. Something bad happens and I am wayyyyy depressed.
When Demi's documentary came out, I was new to the world of documentaries. I remember listening to how many struggles she had emotionally and mentally as she takes on a world of popularity and high expectations.
Now, Demi Levato was diagnosed with BPD. Very certain. However, my therapist and I have chatted about how “Borderline Personality Organization” is under the umbrella of BPD. I still function in life and don’t engage in self-destructing behavior, but man, I still have huge impulsive desires and relationships are the hardest things IN THE PLANET to figure out.
I wanted to let you guys know about a behavior called “Projective Identification”. In short, this is where you unconsciously behave in such a way that you want other people to feel how you are feeling. My therapist was the first one to point this out to me. Even in nursing school, I wasn’t aware of this behavior.
At the beginning of one of our sessions, Jay sat me down and asked if I had heard of projective identification before. I said no. He explained that as I had come to meet with him after residential treatment, he felt uneasy. He felt like he was walking on eggshells as we met, trying not to say the wrong thing. He was nervous about how his words would come across. Being the smart guy that he is, he realized that this must have been similar to what I was feeling when I first started meeting with Jay: scared, uneasy, afraid to do the wrong thing, make sure I say the right thing, and above else, be careful.
Somehow, I had transferred these feelings to him. The unconscious is a whole mess of therapy that I don’t understand yet. But anyways, I think it was good for me to realize that I may do things that drive people away because I feel isolated and driven away. All of this is just the smallest beginning of awareness, but I feel like the best way to learn things is to explain it to others. So here we are :)
Not that I’m the one to ask about relationship advice, but I want to tell you guys a line from one of my favorite movies, “Freaky Friday”:
“Communication. That’s all it takes.”
Talk to you loved ones and let them know how you feel :) This challenged extended to you by Beccs.
Lots of love :)
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